


Status Updates

by silveradept



Category: Lilo & Stitch (2002)
Genre: "Retired" Agent Bubbles, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 12:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21299438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: The Grand Councilwoman informs Mr. Bubbles of Earth's impending change of status. Cobra needs to find some other reason for the Earth to stay intact, and nobody is directly helping him at this.
Relationships: Cobra Bubbles & Grand Councilwoman, Cobra Bubbles & Lilo Pelekai
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32
Collections: 2019 Disney Animated Movie Exchange (DAM Exchange)





	Status Updates

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neosaiyanangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neosaiyanangel/gifts).

"It is good to see you again, Agent Bubbles," the Grand Councilwoman said, gesturing to one of the chairs.

"Officially, Grand Councilwoman, I have been retired for several years. The sentiment is appreciated, however." Cobra favored her with a visible smile.

"Oh, yes, I've forgotten. My apologies," the Grand Councilwoman said, even as her eyes indicated she had not forgotten a thing about the man standing in front of her. "What should I call you, then?"

"If we are at our most formal, Grand Councilwoman," he replied, "you would call me Doctor Bubbles, as I have been recently informed I have successfully met all the requirements for the Doctorate of Philosophy in Social Welfare. If we are not, however, Mister Bubbles is sufficiently close to the truth."

"Congratulations, Doctor. Are you planning on using your license to teach any time soon?"

"I feel my calling is still on the field, providing direct service to the families in my care. Especially given the unique circumstances of one of my charges."

"And one of mine," the Councilwoman acknowledged with a nod. "Would you care for some refreshment?"

"Water, with ice, please," he replied.

The Grand Councilwoman smiled and sent someone for the water and tea for herself, before gesturing for Bubbles to sit in her office.

"I fear we may have need of your unofficial capabilities again, Doctor Bubbles." she said, when the door had closed. "As I am sure you are aware, the political situation of your world has changed significantly recently, and certainly not for the better."

"Yes," he replied. "I had hoped that xenophobia was a thing of the past, but it seems that every day, the front pages have someone failing to get over the lowest of bars of decency."

"I agree," the Councilwoman said. "If left unchecked, the fallout from this event will cause widespread destruction on your world. I am already hearing calls for changes in your governance."

"Grand Councilwoman," Cobra said, choosing his words carefully, "while I realize humans haven't yet met the eligibility requirements to have a seat on the Council, we are generally good at correcting our political mistakes by the next election."

The Grand Councilwoman paused for a moment, with a confused look on her face.

"I am talking about your planet's protected status as a haven for an endangered species," she said.

The arrival of the refreshments gave them both time to let all the misunderstanding leave the room without any further conversation.

"A report is working its way through various levels of approval that will declare the mosquito population sufficiently numerous to remove their status as a Galactically Endangered Species." The Grand Councilwoman started. "When that report is finally approved, it will not take much longer for a bill to come through removing Earth's protected sanctuary status. At which point, if 6—Stitch is still on the planet…"

"Stardust," Cobra finished for her.

"Astute, as always, Doctor," she replied, taking a sip of her tea and grimacing. "My apologies. My kitchen continues to try, but I do not think they understand how to properly brew a cup of tea."

"That appears to be a galactic lament," Cobra said sympathetically. "I presume sending Stitch on a very long journey will not be sufficient to deter rash actions."

"No," the Grand Councilwoman said. "That was my first thought as well. A simple solution to the problem, but several of the factions calling for the removal of Earth would still do so because Doctor Joomba is still present. Even with his removal, they will continue to call for the destruction anywhere Stitch, any other Experiment, or Doctor Joomba has been on principle. Given the amount of destruction and chaos his experiments have created in the galaxy, I am not unsympathetic to their reasoning."

"I would hope a Federation of sentient beings would frown upon the genocide of another," Cobra said pointedly.

"The definition of sentience varies widely among species," The Grand Councilwoman replied evenly. "However, both Miss Pelekai and Ms. Pelekai help refute your perception as a simple and primitive race by excelling at their studies. Unfortunately, that removes another simple solution from the table, as it is quite clear that humans do not qualify for the same protective order that had been applied to the mosquitoes."

The Grand Councilwoman sipped her tea, giving Cobra more time to think. She'd anticipated his next solution, and the way she had shuddered at mosquitoes suggested protective orders were really meant for detestable things that still needed protecting.

"What we need, Doctor, is a diplomatic solution. Something where we give and we take and we make something that everyone will grumble about for the next fifty cycles before doing it all over again."

While the Grand Councilwoman had delivered her request with an even tone, Cobra could see a twinkle of mirth in her eyes.

"I don't suppose you would entertain the notion of direct negotiations?" Cobra asked, to gauge her reaction.

Whatever the Grand Councilwoman had said in her native tongue, Cobra came away with the distinct sensation of having had his mouth scoured thoroughly with steel wool.

"That feels like a no," he said.

"Correct," she replied. "I shudder to think of what sort of spectacle your current leader would make of formal acknowledgement that there are sentients other than humans in the universe." 

Cobra nodded. Some of the worst households he'd had to intervene in made it clear that some humans had trouble recognizing each other as sentient. 

"If there were something of value this planet could deliver to you, that would be a useful starting point for negotiations," Cobra said. "What sorts of resources would Earth be able to provide?"

"Earth is remarkably resource-poor compared to our worlds, Doctor, but trade agreements do seem like a promising avenue of exploration."

"I certainly couldn't speak for anyone specifically, but I'm quite sure there are people who would be more than willing to work on a spacecraft in whatever capacity might be needed. Even if they knew they couldn't come back to Earth once they left."

"Regulations strictly forbid inhabitants of unlicensed planets as crew aboard Federation vessels, and I am certain I do not need to explain to you the reasons why indentured servitude is even more strictly forbidden."

Cobra nodded. "There could be cultural exchange programs modeled on what Lilo and Nani are doing now."

The Grand Councilwoman steepled her fingers and thought. "Certainly," she concluded, "but we would have had to know this was coming nearly five cycles ago, so that all of the paperwork was filled and enough potential students scouted, and even then, I suspect it would not have been enough."

"Grand Councilwoman, are we spitballing or trying to find a working solution?" Cobra asked abruptly. "I appreciate your assessment of my proposals, but I don't hear you making many of your own."

"Even though we are alone, we are never private," the Grand Councilwoman replied. "It is expected of me to hear complaints and requests, and to give my opinion about how those requests will be taken up by the Council, but it would be seen as extraordinary partisanship if I were to actively assist a non-member species in such any way past that."

Cobra took a drink of water to tamp down his first response. 

Elvis's "Hound Dog" started playing on Cobra's phone.

"My apologies, Grand Councilwoman," he said, tapping the answer button. "Llio. I distinctly remember telling you that Elvis was not an acceptable ringtone. And also not to touch my phone."

"Is Stitch present?" the Grand Councilwoman asked. Cobra nodded. "Would you please put them on…speaker, I believe, is the correct terminology?"

Cobra pushed the button. "Lilo, get Stitch to the phone, please." 

"Okay!" Lilo cheerfully replied. And apparently set the phone down, as her calls for Stitch ebbed and flowed as she moved around. 

"Lilo! Who is on the phone?" Nani's voice shouted.

"Mr. Bubbles! He wants to talk to Stitch." Lilo's voice shouted back.

A burst of whale song came through, obscuring the conversation in progress. The Grand Councilwoman perked up and she listened more intently.

A string of Tantalog cut off the song.

"You have better manners than that, Stitch!" The Grand Councilwoman snapped at the phone.

"Oh. Sorry." Stitch said. 

"Found him!" Lilo said soon afterward.

"Hello?" Nani said cautiously. "Is this a surprise inspection, Mr. Bubbles?"

"Nani, Lilo, Stitch, the Grand Councilwoman is also here with me." Cobra indicated.

"Doctor Bubbles and I are discussing diplomatic issues," the Grand Councilwoman said, "and I was looking to see if Stitch could contribute suggestions on solutions to the problem, but there may be a bigger question that needs resolving first. What was that music playing in the background at your house?"

"Lilo! Do you still have that whale documentary on loop?" Nani grumbled.

"Yes! I like hearing the whales sing. It's calming when I'm having a bad day." Lilo popped back.

"Do the whales sing often?" the Grand Councilwoman asked.

"Uh-huh! But you have to be underwater to hear them, apparently, because the water does stuff that makes it audible for humans. There was a movie that Nani and David watched where people had to go back in time to get whales so they could save Earth!"

"Lilo!" Nani nearly shrieked. "You were supposed to be in bed at that time!"

"It was a great movie! I really liked the guy with the pointy ears in the whale tank."

Nani audibly sighed.

"Thank you, Ms. Pelekai, Miss Pelekai. Stitch, you, Pleakley, and Doctor Joomba should get in contact with my office." She nodded to Cobra.

"Lilo, Nani, our scheduled inspection is tomorrow. Please make sure you are ready." Cobra said.

"Of course," Nani said.

A crash came faintly over the phone.

"Excuse me," Nani said, her tone of voice making clear who was responsible, before disconnecting the call.

"Are there recordings of whale song available?" the Grand Councilwoman asked, choosing to pick up the thread where she left it.

"Several," Cobra said. "Not many as commercial releases, but academic archives probably have plenty."

"I am surprised that neither Pleakley nor Doctor Joomba have mentioned them, Doctor Bubbles," the Grand Councilwoman said, raising her eye ridges unmistakably.

"I am sure that is an oversight," Cobra said, taking her meaning. "I'm sure they will both be very interested in hearing what the whales have to say."

The Grand Councilwoman smiled. "I believe that is all the time I can spare for today on this matter," she said. "Perhaps we can talk again in the future."

"You have my contact information," Cobra said. "I assume I will hear from you soon."

* * *

"How did we not know there was an intergalactic diva holed up on this backwoods planet?" Dr. Joomba thundered.

Cobra raised an eyebrow, which was enough to bring Dr. Joomba down several notches.

"I'm interested in figuring out how we can use this to make sure Earth isn't destroyed once we can't hide behind the mosquitoes any more," Cobra added.

"Well, as long as she makes this place her home, nobody would suggest exploding it." Dr. Joomba replied.

"That's promising."

"Almost. If too many of her fans knew where she was, she might pack up for another uncharted planet, and then you would _really_ be in trouble."

"So, we need to figure out how to let them know she's here without actually letting them find her?"

"That's the idea."

Cobra thought for a minute, his eyes drifting over the various photographs that Lilo had taken for her wall. She had explained to him once that she always tried to get a picture of the tourists at their most out-of-place compared with their surroundings. She figured that if someone were taking a picture of her at that moment, she'd want to know why, and she might figure out that it was because she was the thing that made it worth the photograph and slink away in shame. Cobra had been very glad to see Lilo take up other interests in addition to this as her studies progressed. 

"You have the look of a man who has figured out how to profit extraordinarily," Dr. Joomba said to him.

"I think I have," Cobra replied, as the last piece swung into place and presented him with the solution he'd been subconsciously working on while talking and looking around the house. "Do you know where the nearest arm of the Federation Tourism Board is?"

"Proxima Centauri, but you'll never get there and back in time. I know a guy who can send us the paperwork by trans-mat. It'll cost a bit more for rush processing, too."

"We'll need to file it accurately the first time, Dr. Joomba. I suggest we enlist Pleakley to help make sure the ts are crossed and the is dotted." Dr. Joomba nodded. "If we can be certain the application will be approved, once it's filed, I'm not sure we'll have to worry about how long it takes to be approved."

Dr. Joomba chuckled. "And who did you think of putting at the head of this new venture, Doctor Bubbles?"

"Pudge," Cobra said.

"The fish?" Dr. Joomba said incredulously.

"He controls the weather," Cobra said, shrugging. "It seems appropriate to also let him control the revenues from all the tourists."

Dr. Joomba's mouth opened, and then snapped shut. "Clever," he said. "Very well, then! I will have my contact send us the papers. I hope you enjoy filling out forms in triplicate, Doctor Bubbles."

Cobra shrugged. There might be more of them, but it wouldn't be any different than having to sit through all of the required reporting paperwork for the State of Hawai'i every month.

* * *

"A splendid solution, Doctor Bubbles," the Grand Councilwoman said, standing on the dock, watching the boat head out toward the nearest whale pod. "Reminds me of the masterpiece you pulled off at Roswell."

"Roswell was a much easier sell, Grand Councilwoman," he replied. "And, at the time, I had considerably more resources at my disposal."

"Still," the Grand Councilwoman told him, waving at the boat, "Not many people would have thought to make the planet into a place where one might or might not catch a glimpse of a legend long since thought lost."

"Or taken by aliens," Cobra said, adding a small laugh.

"Or that," the Grand Councilwoman acknowledged, smiling. "I hope this will be enough to ensure a good result at Ms. Pelekai's next inspection."

"That is privileged information," Cobra said, frowning. "But," he added, relaxing back into a neutral expression, "with the addition of Stitch, Dr. Joomba, and Pleakley to their household, Lilo has added several new ways of expressing herself that do not result in destructive actions toward herself or others. Because of that, Nani's scores have improved significantly enough that I do not need to recommend new placement for Lilo any more."

"But not so high that you will not have to come around?" the Grand Councilwoman asked, a clear implication in her voice.

"No," Cobra replied flatly, refusing to take the Grand Councilwoman's bait.

"Well, that's all right," the Grand Councilwoman said, nodding. "If you will excuse me, there are pressing matters that require my attention. I appreciate the gift of one of your thesis manuscripts. I have been looking for light reading lately, and I think this will fit perfectly." 

"No offense intended, Grand Councilwoman, but I hope not to see you again on business matters for a significant amount of time." 

"None taken, Doctor Bubbles. I would very much like to be able to be on holiday the next time I am here. Perhaps you will take me to see the whales?"

"I will do my best to be available," Cobra said, inclining his head slightly.

"Splendid," the Grand Councilwoman replied.

A small snippet of "Star Man" played on Cobra's phone.

"Excuse me, Grand Councilwoman," he said, pulling the phone out and walking away.

"I'm retired!" came angrily floating back over the trees not that soon after.


End file.
